TBS Jennifer Brown's Teen Garage Sale (Author of Bitter End)

Welcome to Jennifer Brown’s Like, Totally Radical 1980-Whatever Garage Sale! Thanks for coming! Come on in, we’ve got some great stuff here. You know, retro is cool again! Don’t believe me?

Check out item #1: fat, lacy ribbons, one black, one white. Oh, yes, those were from my Madonna “Like a Virgin” phase. I was a hardcore believer of the artfully tied ribbon. Around my hair? Eh, sometimes, when it would fit (See items #2 & #3: Extra Large Can of Aquanet and curling iron. Sweetie, I had bangs, wings, and even at one point a crunchy, oversprayed mullet. Liquid Helmet, my friend Brandee called it. Bulletproof ‘do), but I was much more apt to tie the ribbons around my neck, my wrist, and sometimes even twine them around my hand like a toootally awesome fingerless glove. What’s that next to the ribbons? 

Oh, that’s item #4: Parachute Pants. Think about stretching a Glad Force Flex trash bag across your butt and walking around in it all day. See this red pair? The smoldery-looking hole in the knee is from when I fell at the rollerskating rink and the friction literally melted the pants to my body. Bogus, dude! Over here behind item 

 #5—the Atari 2600 (Best. Graphics. Ever!)—and item #6— Centipede for the Atari 2600 (Best. Game. Ever!)—you will find my boom box and highly coveted collection of Prince cassettes (items #6 & #7). These were very important items, especially necessary for keeping the cruising experience (in item #8, my 1982 blue Chevette, which can be had for a low, low price of…just take it. That piece of crap was never worth a dime. But beware, if you press the gas too hard, it will die. Also, don’t run the air conditioning. Just. Don’t.)…but anyway, where was I?...oh, yeah, the Prince cassettes definitely kept summer cruising, hanging at the lake, and laying out from being oh, so gag-me-with-a-spoon.

Oh, look! Item #9! A pair of navy shorts and a white Polo shirt—my cutely-nautical uniform from working at the municipal swimming pool. My hard-ass Geometry teacher was my boss. I loved that job. Met a really great college guy at that job. Sun, swimsuits, after-hours parties with a fraternity boy…what more could a girl ask for? 

Last, but certainly not least, you can take a gander at item #10: this grocery sack full of Stephen King paperbacks. I’ll sell them to you for…well…hmmm…ummm…I actually…yeah, I think I’ll just hang onto those for a little while longer.