Hey there! Hey there! Hey there! You want bargains? We got bargains at Berserker Brian’s Bargain Bonanza. Come on down to buy a little piece of Brian Farrey’s teenage years at this one of a kind garage sale blow out!
Looky right over here! We’ve got a rare vintage item at an unbelievable price. This here is an authentic 1983 Coleco Adam. Yessiree, this here was cutting edge technology during Brian’s formative years. 80 kB of RAM, cassette drive, daisy wheel printer, and a word processor that looks like drawing in the mud compared to what’s on the market these days. Brian spent countless hours writing DOCTOR WHO novels for the entertainment of his friends (well, friend… he only knew one other WHO fan). Who could ever forget the lost adventures of the Fifth Doctor such as “Technopolis” and “Solaris.” And if you’ve got a hankering for some old time video game fun, be sure to pop in “Buck Rogers: Planet of Zoom” and see what it was like for Brian to while away hours of his life trying to beat the game. (I’ll tell you this: it wasn’t pretty.) All yours for the low, low price of $2.59. Whatta bargain!
You like Star Wars? We got Star Wars! Take this Jabba the Hutt action playset for example. Collecting Star Wars trading cards was never enough for Brian. Oh, no, he wanted to recreate the entire Star Wars universe through action figures. And, oowhee, you should see the fit he pitched one Christmas to get this. Tarnation, now that was a tantrum. But how could anyone resist? When you twist Jabba’s torso, his tail swings! This piece has great sentimental value. I suppose I could letcha take it off my hands for…. Eighty-nine cents?
And last but not least, friends and neighbors, we have an item so valuable it’s darned near priceless. Why, I’m not entirely sure I can part with it. It’s an original, first edition copy of John Bellairs’ The House with a Clock in its Walls. Talk about a freaky find! They don’t get much freakier than this book. Candles made from the blood of a dead man! Evil warlocks returning from the dead! A hidden clock ticking off the seconds ‘til doomsday! And art by Edward Gorey himself! Ooo doggies, I get the willies just thinking about it. Look how the spine is cracked, the pages are worn. Brian loved this book a lot. In fact… ya know, I’m sorry, folks, I just can’t give this one up.
But take a look around, see whatcha can find. I’m sure we can make a deal. That’s what I’m here for. At Berserker Brian’s Bargain Bonanza, we aim to please (and embarrass Brian at every chance we get by parading his incredibly nerdy past before him like a nightmare that won’t die already). You make the offer! We won’t refuse!
All sales final.